When life gives you lemons, sometimes you shouldn’t squeeze the juice over your open wounds.

Relationships come in many shapes and forms, but the one with girls are the craziest. They say that guys don’t know what they want but as a matter of fact, we do. So let me tell you what guys want:

· Decent tits – If they are fake, then pay the extra bones to get the best job done for your frame. Let’s just make sure that if you got a short haircut we can tell you’re female.

· Skinny, but with curves – Please, we all like someone who is fit. I don’t mean the cover of Victoria’s Secret but let’s keep it together and try to remain youthful looking.

· Minimal Makeup – Yeah, we got it that you spent $800 dollars on a little bag to make you feel good but do you REALLY need to put all that stuff on if you’re going to the gym?

· CHILL – Yeah, we get it. You’re the shit. Everyone wants you, needs to talk to you and you’re the center of attention. Now take 2 hits and relax.

Meet the new iPod nano. Now in nine amazing colors. Dammit.

I’m a fucking guy. A regular guy. I stare at hot chicks, I scratch my balls when they itch, play video games and love technology and gadgets. Those fucking gadgets. They come out every year with something that makes last year’s version so archaic and ridiculous looking. The problem is that things only get more expensive and more advanced, while the former becomes so affordable and abundant. Just the other day I ran across this ungrateful beast while searching for a high end digital camera. My purchase still remains unclear of why I want the camera. I think I was inspired by seeing the American Apparel ad on the back cover of some LA-ist snob magazine. Was it really an illusion that I will be able to take tongue-in-cheek photos of those girls behind the counter of those stores? Well, whatever it was I was in the market to purchase one.

DSL. Shit, I mean SLR. Right? Whatever, the hot shit with the flash you have to carry all old-school in the other hand was the look I was going for. Anyhow, this camera that I saw was $200 dollars less than what it was 3 days ago. I couldn’t believe it! I wanted the extra zoom features to capture that perfect camel toe of late teens so I can expand my Facebook photo albums.

The problem was that I was curious.  Curious of the sudden discount, and when the pussy cat becomes curious, chances are it gets fucked. I noticed that there was this new model that I’ve never seen on the homepage. This model was just like the older model except that it had more AMAZING features. It’s the first digital camera to have GPS since photographers tend to get lost.  It also had a random shake feature to capture that true artistic shot.  What it also did was make the current camera look like a 1980s Walkman. I mean, it fucking has Google maps and shit. But should I get this camera? I know I want it but I also know in the back of my mind that something better is going to come out in 2 months and it might come with a free blow job or something. Maybe even be able to meter your mail or fold your laundry right after it comes out of the dryer (instead of that 2 day old crumbled load on you bed that you pushed off to the side shit).

I just realized that there is no way to beat this corporate tech machine. They basically already have created the best camera and are making dumb-downed models to serve to us. I have made some generalizations of what I have noticed in the past couple of years:

• Make it come in various colors
• Shrink it as small as humanly possible
• Allow it to play with your other tech gadgets
  
• Fuck your competitor in the media like a celebrity sex tape
  

So to technology I say fuck you Apple. I own 3 types of iPods because you keep changing it up.

Our first posting is about porn.

So I get home after dinner around midnight and I catch my roommate still up.  I haven’t seen him for awhile so we shoot the shit.  The subject of girls came up (but that’s nothing new) and I mentioned my glorious find of a new porn star.  I told him it was the porn star’s of porn stars because she was a young Americanized Asian female.

“Dude, this girl is the girl that they think of when they draw Aime porn”

“What’s her name?”

“She’s the hottest Asian porn star that I’ve seen and you know that I’m picky”

“What’s her name?”

“She grabs her hair and rides reverse cowgirl style”

“What’s her name?”

“I’m trying to keep you in suspense”

This chick is one of those really hot girls that we saw in Japanese import rice rocket magazines.  When I saw this girl live it was well beyond my wet imagination of those mag girls.  I typed her name in the Firefox Google search bar and mapped my destination.

“Asa Akira”

“Asa Akira?”

“Yeah, Asa Akira.  I found her the other day and we already went on a date…here she is.”

“Ewwww – oh I remember her.  Yeah I found her a couple of nights ago and I downloaded 2 of her videos”

And to my surprise he opens a folder and begins playing the intense groin stimulant known as Asa Akira.  I stood there and thought to myself, “This mofo.”